


The Pirate Problem

by Iverna



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Gen, Spoilers, ouat speculation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-03
Updated: 2015-11-03
Packaged: 2018-04-29 18:15:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5137736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Iverna/pseuds/Iverna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[Speculation; possible spoilers!]</p>
<p>The Underworld has a new resident. And Hades is not very happy about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Pirate Problem

It takes Hades two days and six hours to run out of patience completely.

“I told you,” he growls at the unfortunate minion before him, “to tie him down.”

“Yessir,” the demonic creature stammers. “But the thing is… the thing _is_ , sir, he’s just too good at untying himself. And he keeps lecturing us on proper knots while we tie him up, sir. He’s started giving us _pointers_ because we’re not challenging him enough!”

“Well don’t use a rope!” Hades thunders. “Use the Chains of Everlasting Torture.”

“We wanted to, sir, but we, uh, we couldn’t find them.”

“Couldn’t find them?”

“They seem to have been stolen, sir. Uhm. By him.”

“What?!” Hades demands.

“He is a pirate, sir.”

“We’ve got plenty of pirates down here, none of them were ever like this!”

“He’s very determined, sir.”

“Unbelievable.” He turns to his wife, who is watching the proceedings with a smirk twitching at the corner of her mouth. “Did you know about this?”

“No, but hearing it is quickly becoming the highlight of my day,” she says.

Hades groans, rolls his eyes, tries to forget that he fell in love with her precisely because she finds things like this amusing. He succeeds admirably at the first two, and fails utterly on the third.

“Where is he now?” he asks. “What’s he up to?”

“We believe he went to Cerberus, sir, but it’s hard to sneak after him.”

“Cerberus?” Hades smiles, satisfied. “Well, that ought to sort him out.”

“I don’t think so, sir,” the poor messenger ventures. “The last time, Cerberus was wagging his tail and got annoyed when we dragged Jones away.”

With an effort, Hades holds onto his temper. Of _course_ he’s charmed the dog.

“Well, it won’t do him any good, will it,” he sighs. “Can’t get out that way, even if Cerberus let him. Where are Pain and Panic?”

“Still sleeping off their hangover,” the messenger replies carefully.

“What hangover?”

“Well, sir, it turns out that Jones has a flask of—”

“Never mind, I don’t even want to know.” Hades waves him into silence. “Look, find him and lock him in the Chamber of—”

“Ah, sir? He’s already been there.”

“And?” There’s a carefully balanced blade in Hades’ voice.

“He removes the door, sir. We tried to put it back, but he just takes it back out.”

“He just… takes it back out.”

“Something about double-barrelled hinges, sir. I don’t know.”

Hades wipes a hand over his face. He has a renegade pirate wandering his realm and taking it apart piece by piece, pilfering all the interesting bits and breaking the rest. He does not deserve this. He does _not._   “Any sign of the Swan woman yet?”

“Afraid not, sir.”

He hesitates. Technically, once Hades has claimed a soul, he’s supposed to hold onto it. And he’s definitely supposed to stop people from coming to get it back. But then, he reasons, no one could have anticipated _this_. And they _are_ more like guidelines than actual rules. “Send someone to speed things along, will you? And keep it quiet.”

He catches Persephone looking at him. “What?”

She smiles. “Nothing.”

“I’m not going soft. He just annoys me.”

“I know.” Her smile widens. “I’d miss you, too.”


End file.
